New outlooks and priorities.

It has been a long long time. 2014 was the last time I wrote. I disscussed some of my current struggles, but may not have been add honest to myself. For the past six or so months I've done a lot of processing and thinking about where I want to be with my life. I came to the complete realization am I size and weight don't determine my happiness. I was 2013 at a point where I should have been able to be happy. It wasn't good enough for me. What went wrong? Here I think some of those answers.

#1. I was not happy when my body told me I was where I should be. I tried to push harder and I ended up pushing it further than it was able to recover from. I broke my body because I had expectations that were unrealistic. A woman that is down below 20% body fat and feels the way I did has mental issues. In severe persistant cases it is classified as body dysmorphic disorder. I wasn't able to see this then. I was happy with myself the majority of the time until I had pictures next to somebody that was thinner than I, or somebody made a rude comment.

#2. I continued to compare myself to others. Namely other family members who have much different bone structures and builds than I do. I tried to look for one of the exact pictures that really upset me when I saw it. But I couldn't find it. I wanted to be able to look like others. I wanted to be able to fit in the same clothes sizes add others. 150 lb 18% body fat I was still in size 10 to 12 women's petite pants.

#3. I let what other shallow people's opinions bother me and dictate what I wanted. I also let what I thought other people's opinions about me dictate me.

#4. I had not learned to love and appreciate myself for who I am. To understand that Health isn't a number, it isn't a size, it is a combination of Lifestyle and health conditions.

I am not saying that wanting to be thinner wanting to wear smaller clothes is bad. I'm saying being obsessed with how you look in any way shape or form is not healthy. I do want to lose weight I do want to be better than I am. But I am learning to love who I am and to be comfortable in my body no matter what.

I have recently started back at a gym I do want to be healthier than I am. I have been active over the past several years, I love the feeling of biking home from work during the summer. I love doing things with my family. I want to be healthy enough that I can do more things with my family. I now understand that health is not measured by a scale. I know that my blood work is awesome the only thing I struggle with is a vitamin D deficiency (because I live in Idaho). I'm trying to change and make choices that are what's best for me. I'm also trying to let go of the thoughts of what other people might think of me.

I might update from time to time. I'm not writing this necessarily for other people I'm writing this for me. The words I say about myself impact how I feel about myself. And what I feel about myself impacts how I think other people feel about me. I know I am my own worst critic, I know I have not been kind to myself emotionally. I am trying to change that first.

In a world where you can be anything be kind, don't be judgemental, especially to yourself.

Forgive my ranting

I know I haven't posted in forever, it is not because I am doing a awesome or am where I want to be. Actually quite the opposite.
Since last summer I have really struggled this may be Tmi but after my last keto run in May my horomones got out of wack, my dr said my body had never horomonaly adjusted  back to normal after having tioni and because I was on low dose birth control. I started having basically a non stop period, he put me on 3 months on high estrogen bc to hopefully help. Immediately my boobs grew and I started struggling more,  I also had insomnia and I was only sleeping 4 hours a night. After the 3 months I was up about 15 lbs.
My hormones have regulated but I am nervous to get back on any bc because of my past issues. After that round of hormones I figured the weight would just come off and when it didn't I started to feel unhappy with myself and started to put more weight on in November.
I am up to around 180lbs and not proud of it. On a positive note in January when I went to get my body fat checked I was pleasantly suprised to be at 18.7% BF lean mass at 146lbs to compare for you November 4th I was 156lbs and 16.2% lean mass 131.5lbs. So my body fat was much better than I was expecting since I put on muscle like I did.
I am so frustrated with myself for putting weight on, I have really emotionally been struggling with it and had 2 people at the gym today say things to me about it. So I guess it is time to change my attitude so now on to my real ranting.
It is so frustrating to let other people's opinions govern how we feel. By this I mean being told you should be ______ weight to be healthy for me that weight is 110 to 130lbs according to bmi (i know it is a flawed system but out is what our society uses) meaning I am penalized when getting life insurance because I am obese right now don't Ya know. But because that flawed number tells me I am obese I feel obese.
My next thing to rant about I guess it is embarrassing but people for some reason think I am pregnant on a monthly basis. Maybe it's because my daughter is almost 2 so it means I should be right? J/k. Just last week someone says oh I didn't know you were pregnant...... Wow neither did i...... Awkward silence the horrible part of that one was it was someone who knows I workout, do I really look pregnant? Don't they know to never ask that question? It just shocks me how much it happens, even this summer when I was the leanest I have ever been.
I was told this morning I need to talk nice to myself it is just so hard to do when people don't talk nice to you. I guess I look at the changes I have made and know I need to get that fat girl out of my head forever or I will never be happy with myself.

My goals: these are what I want:
Get to the point that people can look at me and know I workout, not dink around the gym but really workout.
Not have people think I'm pregnant
Not have people describe me as the big girl.

What is wrong with those goals? I can't control other people I can't achieve those goals

This is what I should want.
Become happy with myself period

I will work on that

Keto run before and after results

I recently did a Keto run (basically no carbs, high fat, high protein diet)  I primarily did this to work on loosing the stomach fat. I had my body fat done on day 1 and day 6 I was down .5%. I will have it checked later in the week after my body re adjusts to adding carbs back. Here are the before and after pics.I took the full body ones where it is a little harder to see the differences, but also the close up pics. (sorry for the butt shot!) I wanted to really document the places that needed it. and I really tried to make the poses and positioning the same, I took close up stomach pictures every day to see the small changes I was flexing in all the close up stomach shots since that is what I was trying to improve, Ab definition! for 13 days not too bad!

On a second note I had been having my body fat done every few weeks, because of my fitness level change we decided it was time to change to the 4 point check which is usually considered the most accurate, instead of an illiac pinch it does a stomach pinch right next to the belly button and includes a thigh pinch. I figured this would make my body fat jump up (it was at 21% the way we normally test and have tested for the past few years) but instead it dropped. With a 4 point pinch I was at 16.35%, However.... I know I am not 16% Body fat, but with excess skin and my build we figure a pretty good estimate of what I am is half way between the 2, which would land me 18 to 19%. Body Fat measuring is really about consistency, Which is why I always have Chance do it. We are going to be switching over to the 4 point so I will be saying those numbers and the others just so everyone knows!

Gold's gym 12 week Challenge results

So 2 weeks ago I found out I had won the 12 week challenge at the gym in the employee division! So excited here are the official pics from that! I was trying to look bad in my 1st pics, since the competition is judged completely on the pictures. Here they are! Change was -24lbs and a little over 5% body fat

Amazing to look back and see the changes!

2002

 A very watered down version of my story.

2004

2003

I have been looking back at where I have been recently. As Arlen and I look at pictures it is really amazing to think I was ever that fat. I knew I was fat but I had so many excuses to why I wasn't that fat. I "wanted" to loose weight but I wasn't willing or ready to put in the time and effort until a few years ago.

168lbs 31% BF

 I started really trying to change in December of 2009, I lost about 30lbs, and that June found out we were expecting. I tried to have a healthy pregnancy and did really good at not gaining weight back. However we had some complications and in September lost our baby.  it took awhile to get re motivated again and was really hard because I didn't have some of the connections and friendships I have now.
 October 2010 starting at Golds Gym I was around 210 lbs. I did mostly cardio but started to learn how to do some weights and resistance training. I decided to start the Gold's Gym Body Transformation Challenge in 2011 Starting January 7th I weighed 197lbs and had a body fat of 39%. By the end of the 12 weeks I weighed 180 and had a body fat of 32%. I did a lot of weight lifting and cardio and counted my calories every day. July of 2011 I was 168Lbs and about 31% Body fat.


August 2011- we found out I was pregnant, I worked out 5 days a week my whole pregnancy. My water actually broke while I was walking on a treadmill at Golds. Even though I really tried to be healthy and not gain too much weight I still found myself at 210lbs and 36.7% Body fat (body fat is not considered accurate when breast feeding but I wanted it tested anyway)

May 30th

After we had Tioni I waited 10 days before I worked out again, I wasn't capable of much just walking but I didn't want to loose the habits I had made. It was really hard with a new baby to get up and get to the gym if she was up all night and since I was nursing her I had to either feed her or pump before I left in the morning which means getting up extra early to be home before Arlen had to leave for school. I worked through it

November 25th 187.5lbs 30.1% Body fat

however tried to not make excuses even if they were valid and just be there. November is when it really kicked up I did a challenge with a friend and had just stopped nursing. This is when I feel the real changes started to happened.

April 15th 154.4lbs 22% Body Fat

Currently I am at 154 lbs and 22% body fat(2 weeks ago). I am working towards loosing the last 20lbs to reach my goal!

How did I do it?

 Hard work and dedication! I work out a lot! I work really hard at sticking to a healthy diet plan. I try to avoid excess sugars and white carbs except on my free days which normally happen once a week. Eat right and work out. It is what has to be done, and it sounds so simple which it is, however doing it consistently is not simple. It takes a lot of motivation and self control. I have had to learn to say no even when something may sound good, I have to think of the overall perspective. I am not perfect, I still crave bad food, but I have consistently made good healthy choices and turned them into habits.

Me, Arlen and Tioni

 I think the most important part of my success is my support group! I have lots of people who support me but here are a few. My husband Arlen, puts up with what I eat and that I don't always cook for him if he is not eating what I am eating. He puts up with me crawling out of bed between 4 and 5 am to go to the gym every morning, which means a lot of the time he has to wake up and feed the baby while I am gone. He puts up with my Gym friends and the amount of time I am gone working out, and most of all he supports my goals and that I have chosen this as a life style. My workout buddy and diet writer Todd, has put up with a lot over the 3 years we have been friends. Has taught me a lot about lifting weights which I had never done before. Makes me do things I don't want to do (like run) and keeps me on track with my diet. And sets up crazy mean HIIT circuits that secretly I think are meant to kill me! He also holds me accountable for what I do or don't do. My Family and friends who are active parts of my life help motivate me to do and be better. They also help take any excess "cheat day" food I don't want hanging around my house which I know is SUCH a burden!

Overall without having someone to do things with and to hold you accountable and support you through the rough times I think it would be almost impossible to make the changes I have made. I am so thankful for the people in my life!

This is not over, I am not done with what I know I can accomplish. I have bad days we all do, but I know that with dedication and consistency I can do anything!

I am not and probably will never be the skinniest sibling but I can probably safely say I am the strongest! We wont get another pic all together until Sheldon (in blue) is home from his mission in May/June of 2014!

My Family May 2012

This took 11 months I don't have good comparison pictures from before last year, I avoided the camera for obvious reasons in the past. these pics were taken 8 weeks after Tioni was born!
Weight change:  -56lbs
Body Fat Change: -14.7%
Inches lost:
Thigh -5.25 inches
Hips: -8 inches
Belly Button: -14 inches
True waist (narrowest part) -8 inches
Biceps -2.5 inches

May 30th 2012 to April 25th 2013

11 Months!

                 

 One of my new years resolutions was: My Selfish Goal: Look good in a bikini!
                   I am not one that has ever really wanted to wear one and I really feel a lot of women who wear them don't really rock them, But I want to rock it! (I already have a few of the raw materials others lack..) One of the things I always said is I really want one really good picture of my abs, so I want to feel comfortable enough with my self and my body to feel sexy in a bikini IN PUBLIC. (it is easy to feel that way in a dressing room but how many of us can feel that way in public, well I think that's a good goal that will really make me learn to love my body!)

I may not look to shabby, but I am not where I want to be yet, but give me a month or two and I am going  to rock it! Right now I wouldn't feel comfortable in public but I feel so much better about myself than I ever have. I will get my ab picture and it will be amazing!!!

April 16th

Today went pretty good, I have been craving sweets alot this week, I did fairly well today.

Diet: I did really well, and really tried to consume more water. I drank about 7 bottles (118 oz). I should have had more protein.

Workouts: 30 min cardio and 60 min weights in AM, Spin class in PM (only about 45 min today due to technical difficulties)

Total calories consumed: 1450
Total Calories burned: 1300

April 15th

I am going to try to do a daily log again about my day. It will be brief but will make me evaluate my day.

Today went really good, Workout wise did a total of 75 min Cardio, and 75 min of weights/abs. I did pretty good sticking to my diet. Should have had more water.

Total calories in: 1500
Total calories burned: 1100+