It has been a long long time. 2014 was the last time I wrote. I disscussed some of my current struggles, but may not have been add honest to myself. For the past six or so months I've done a lot of processing and thinking about where I want to be with my life. I came to the complete realization am I size and weight don't determine my happiness. I was 2013 at a point where I should have been able to be happy. It wasn't good enough for me. What went wrong? Here I think some of those answers.
#1. I was not happy when my body told me I was where I should be. I tried to push harder and I ended up pushing it further than it was able to recover from. I broke my body because I had expectations that were unrealistic. A woman that is down below 20% body fat and feels the way I did has mental issues. In severe persistant cases it is classified as body dysmorphic disorder. I wasn't able to see this then. I was happy with myself the majority of the time until I had pictures next to somebody that was thinner than I, or somebody made a rude comment.
#2. I continued to compare myself to others. Namely other family members who have much different bone structures and builds than I do. I tried to look for one of the exact pictures that really upset me when I saw it. But I couldn't find it. I wanted to be able to look like others. I wanted to be able to fit in the same clothes sizes add others. 150 lb 18% body fat I was still in size 10 to 12 women's petite pants.
#3. I let what other shallow people's opinions bother me and dictate what I wanted. I also let what I thought other people's opinions about me dictate me.
#4. I had not learned to love and appreciate myself for who I am. To understand that Health isn't a number, it isn't a size, it is a combination of Lifestyle and health conditions.
I am not saying that wanting to be thinner wanting to wear smaller clothes is bad. I'm saying being obsessed with how you look in any way shape or form is not healthy. I do want to lose weight I do want to be better than I am. But I am learning to love who I am and to be comfortable in my body no matter what.
I have recently started back at a gym I do want to be healthier than I am. I have been active over the past several years, I love the feeling of biking home from work during the summer. I love doing things with my family. I want to be healthy enough that I can do more things with my family. I now understand that health is not measured by a scale. I know that my blood work is awesome the only thing I struggle with is a vitamin D deficiency (because I live in Idaho). I'm trying to change and make choices that are what's best for me. I'm also trying to let go of the thoughts of what other people might think of me.
I might update from time to time. I'm not writing this necessarily for other people I'm writing this for me. The words I say about myself impact how I feel about myself. And what I feel about myself impacts how I think other people feel about me. I know I am my own worst critic, I know I have not been kind to myself emotionally. I am trying to change that first.
In a world where you can be anything be kind, don't be judgemental, especially to yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment